What is Positive Parenting

[administrator]

I really don't have a clue. I have a 13 month old and am just starting toget into this area. I tried to find a definition for this but all could find was people offering classes to parents and nothing that really fits what i think it means.  So i'll make a list of what i think Positive parenting is.

• Natural Consequences instead of physical or mental punishment
• Not putting your own judgement on a childs behavior(this might be aware parenting) eg. stating what a child did and explaining how that might make someone feel a certain way is probably better than saying good girl or bad girl with no explanation.
• Consistency in actions
• Calm  yet firm response

Somebody please help me out here.

[kokonutmama]

I'm finding this question particularly troublesome.  I brought it up, didn't I?  I thought I got the term from another BBS, but when I went there it turns out they use the phrase "gentle discipline."  You're right, Googling Positive Parenting gets a lot of folks trying to take your money!  Maybe this board needs its own definition.

[moogie]

I agree we need our own definition.  what did you think of the list i had?  i really want to know.

[skeettafic]

I do like the list that you have, Megs.  I would add that it is also respecting that our children are learning and that their actions are not performed with malicious intent.  Remebering that I think can be the key to not going overboard on the hard and fast 'discipline'.

[tristan]

I agree, especially with respecting our children.

I think the most important thing for me, and something that most people seem to forget, is that a child makes their own decisions. The majority of their decisions are in response to our 'parenting', so from this point of view we certainly have influence. But just like a lot of people have said, any action (behaviour) is a result of our parenting. One can hardly punish a child for our mistakes!

For me the underlying philosophy is to treat the child with respect. To me this means acting in the best interests of our children, placing their needs above our wants, helping kids to have freedom and control over their own lives (where possible), and as such helping them to develop, learn and have fun.

I realise this view is a little left-field so another comment to stir up some discussion: "there is no such thing as 'bad' behaviour, only 'bad' parenting".

[moogie]

yes you are a stirrer, will have to give you an avatar to refect this.

[tristan]

Yep. ok. I need something over there on the right (actually left).

[tristan]

Ta. I like it. It could be me.
I get my posts modified. Look, down there. Must be cause I am 'naughty'! 

[moogie]

Administrator Wannabe!

You have no power

[skeettafic]

I realise this view is a little left-field so another comment to stir up some discussion: "there is no such thing as 'bad' behaviour, only 'bad' parenting".

I would say that there is no such thing as 'bad behavior' - there is learned behavior that may be functional at a time that progresses into dysfunction. 

[kokonutmama]

OK, I've thought about it.  I think it's important to not have a list.  Think about how people we know feel about the AP list.  A one sentence philosophy, imho, would be a better choice.  eg: "punishment is counterproductive to discipline," or "children must be respected to learn respect," or something, I've gotta run...

[AnnieMommy7]

I have a very hard time with the words "good" and "bad" as they are pretty much black and white and very little in this world is black and white.  They are also extremely subjective and don't allow for much humanity.  What I may view as "bad" behavior in a child may indeed be a survival mechanism for that child in his/her family enviroment.  If it helps the child survive then it becomes "good", right...?  That is until the child becomes older and that survival mechanism no long works.

Therefore, the term "bad parenting", again, it too black and white.  We will all have moments of less than perfect parenting and anyone who claims that they don't is lying...   One moment of less than perfect parenting does not a bad parent make.  And most of the time, even "bad parents" mean well.

We must also take into account that no matter how well we parent that our children are individuals with their own thoughts, personalities and temperments.  Even the best parent will experience a child's testing of limits as they seek to find their space in this world.  This doesn't stop after the terrible two's, either...

If we respond with empathy, respect and firm but flexible consequences and boundaries we can expect healthy responses by our children *most* of the time as they grow into adulthood. 

Parenting, like so many things in life, is a process--not an event.

Love,

Annie

[tristan]

I think this is a tread to continue discussing. I think we are all pretty much agreeing that there is no 'bad' behaviour. I'd like to explain my understanding of that.

When we are born we are effectively a clean slate and we learn how to relate and interact with the world. Kids learn mostly from their parents, but increasingly they learn from the media. So initially there is no manipulation, attention seeking, poor me's, power struggles, etc. These have to be leant, either directly by copying behaviour or in response to needs not being met. Kids work out the patterns. 'If I cry when I fall over, then I get attention' (in an attention starved environment this is particularly important) so the kid may deliberately fall down and cry. Since the majority of this socialisation is learnt from the parents I mentioned before that there is no such thing as bad behaviour, only bad parenting.

Changing the actual words used though, we could refer to the behaviour and parenting as skillful or unskillful. Where the child or parent know that what they are doing is inappropriate, then the action is unskillful. In such a way there is no right and wrong or good and bad. An action is just an action, it is the person perceiving the action that attaches a positive or negative judgment.

So where does that leave us. Something that I greatly dislike is a parent who takes no responsibility to their children's behaviour. I call the twos 'terrific twos' whereas a lot of people call them 'terrible twos'. It is the attribution of judgment that makes it negative. The children at that age are wonderful because they are testing their boundaries, and responding to the parenting style, and exploring (before it is beaten out of them  ).

[moogie]

i like your statement of skillful vs unskillful.

I agree with what you said about the terrible twos, but i'm sure some who have gone through this already are saying just you wait and see deary.  I agree 2 sounds like an age wherethey are sussing out the world so much more but think we need to wait for our turn at the 2's before we say its terrific.

[tristan]

You know the phrase 'just wait, you'll see' stirs me.

C is already doing a lot of things that a two year old would do, and she has certainly worked out a lot of patterns and how to exploit them. I really can't see that it will be anything but wonderful and terrific. To think anything else would be going against my own advice.