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AnnieMommy7
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Here's Part #2 of the article posted last week...
7. SET YOUR CHILD UP TO SUCCEED. Helping your child develop talents and acquire skills is part of discipline. If you recognize an ability in your child that he doesn't, encourage him. Strike a balance between pushing and protecting. Both are necessary. If you don't encourage your child to try, his skills don't improve, and you've lost a valuable confidence builder. If you don't protect your child from unrealistic expectations, his sense of competence is threatened.
Beware of value-by-comparisons. Children measure their own value by how they perceive others value them. And in our measuring-and-testing society, children's skills—and therefore their value—are measured relative to others. Your child may bat an exceptional .400 on the softball team, but she will feel inadequate if her teammates are batting .500. Be sure your child believes you value her because of who she is, not how she performs. Do this by giving her plenty of eye contact, touching, and focused attention. In other words, give of yourself regardless of how the game or the achievement test turns out.
Don't expect your child to excel in sports or music or academics just because you did. The one thing your child can excel in is being herself. She must know that your love for her does not depend on your approval of her performance. That's a tough assignment for a parent who may have been raised to perform for love and acceptance.
WALL OF FAME
In our Sears' family gallery of accomplishments, our walls display Hayden's cheerleading trophies, Erin's horse ribbons, Matthew's Little League pictures, etc. Every child is good at something. Discover it, encourage it, frame it, and display it. If your home is missing this wall, your child is missing his moment of fame. If you have a child who is not athletic, try scouting. With Boy Scouts and Girl Scouts everyone wins and everyone gets lots of badges. As children walk by their showcase, they can see at a glance five to ten years of achievement. This gives them a lift, especially during times when their self-worth is faltering.
8.HELP YOUR CHILD BE HOME-WISE BEFORE STREET-SMARTS. Sometime during your parenting career you may run into the idea that a young child should be exposed to children with different values so that he can choose for himself. This may sound good, or at least politically correct, but it just plain doesn't work. It's like sending a ship to sea without a rudder or a captain. Only by chance will that ship reach a desirable destination. Children are too valuable to be left to chance.
Screen your child's friends. The child's values and self-concept are affected by persons of significance in his life— relatives, coaches, teachers, religious leaders, scout leaders, and friends. It's up to the parents to screen out those who pull down the child's character and encourage those that build it. Keep a watchful eye on your child's friendships. First, let your child choose his own friends and monitor the relationships. At the end of a play experience examine your child's feelings. Is he at peace or upset? Are the children compatible? Coupling a passive person with a strong personality is all right if the stronger child pulls your child up rather than knocking him down.
While some children will wisely seek out complimentary playmates on their own, sometimes it is helpful to set up your child by purposely exposing him to appropriate peers. Some groups of children just naturally seem to get along well. If your child's group does not seem to have the right chemistry, it would be wise to intervene. By being a monitoring mom, Martha was able to come to the rescue of one of our children who was being intimidated and blackmailed into stealing money from us. This junior racketeer in the neighborhood was busted because Martha became suspicious of certain phone calls and listened in one day. Our frightened seven-year-old was in way over his head and was greatly relieved when we intervened.
Keep a kid-friendly home. Make your home inviting to your child's friends. Yes, you will have more messes to clean up, but it's worth it. Hosting the neighborhood helps you monitor your child; it gives you the opportunity to observe your child's social style and generally learn more about your child's personality—which social behaviors are appropriate and which need improving. You'll be able to make on-the-spot disciplinary interventions, either with your child in a private lesson or in group therapy if the whole pack needs some redirecting.
The roots of a young child's self-concept come from home and nurturing caregivers. After six years of age, peer influence becomes increasingly important. The deeper the roots of home-grown self-confidence, the better equipped kids are to interact with peers in a way that builds up self-worth rather than tearing it down. They know how to handle peers who are fun to play with and those that give them problems. When children are attachment parented, they are well equipped to manage different environments (home, grandparents, preschool, Sunday school) with different rules very well. For healthy social development, a child first must be comfortable with himself before he can be comfortable with others.
Clinging to homebase. In normal development a child moves out from the known into the unknown. She tries out new experiences in much the same way that an attached infant learns to separate from mother. It is quite normal for a child to retreat periodically into the comfort of the known (her home and family) as she progressively ventures into the jungle of the unknown. It is important for the child to have a strong attachment base. Being shy does not mean that a child has a poor self-image. She needs an extra dose of confidence so that she can follow her own inner timetable in adjusting to new situations and relationships. Parents often wonder what degree of clinging to homebase is normal. Look at the problem over the course of an entire year. If you see no change in the child's willingness to venture out, that may be unhealthy. But if you see some gradual moving out, then your child is simply a cautious social developer, which is characteristic of sensitive children, who may form a few meaningful and deep relationships, rather than numerous superficial ones.
9. Lose labels. "I'm asthmatic," seven-year-old Greg proudly said to me when I inquired why he came to my office. Indeed, Greg did have asthma, but the physical problem was much easier to treat than the emotional side effects of his label. A few puffs of a bronchial dilator and his wheezing cleared, but his label persisted. I mentioned privately to Greg's mother that there are two issues to address in any child with a chronic illness: the problem itself, and the child's and family's reactions to the problem.
Every child searches for an identity and, when found, clings to it like a trademark. "Asthmatic" had become Greg's label, and he wore it often. His whole day revolved around his ailment, and his family focused on this part of Greg instead of on the whole person. Instead of feeling compassion, Greg's brothers and sisters had become tired of planning their lives around Greg's asthma. They couldn't go on certain trips because Greg might get too tired. It became a family illness, and all, except Greg, were put into roles they didn't like.
To take away Greg's label would be to take away Greg's self-esteem. So, we made a deal. I would treat Greg's asthma; the family would enjoy Greg, and we all worked at giving "the asthmatic" a healthier label to wear.
10. MONITOR SCHOOL INFLUENCES ON YOUR CHILD
while growing up so that they will be more open-minded as adults. On the other side are parents who want to protect their child from all outside influences and any ideas that may differ from their own beliefs. This child grows up in a bubble-like atmosphere.
Somewhere between these two extremes is the right answer for your child. Throwing a child into the melting pot of diverse values at too young an age, before she has any of her own values, may produce a child who is so confused that she develops no conscience and no standing value system. Parents who overprotect may end up with a child who cannot think for herself, leaving her vulnerable to challenges or so judgmental that she condemns anyone with different beliefs. Somewhere in the middle is the parent who grounds the child in a firm value system and guides her as she encounters other value systems. The child, because she has a strong value system to begin with, is better able to weigh her parents' value system against alternatives and develop her own firm code of values. It may be different from the parents'. It may include many of the parents' values with a sprinkling of alternatives learned from peers or teachers. But the important thing is that the child has a value system from which to operate. He is not a leaf hurried downstream in the river that takes the path of least resistance, overflows its bounds, and eventually drains into a large sea of uncertainty. Many children flounder, sometimes for the rest of their lives, searching for values that should have been formed in infancy and early childhood.
Parents, don't be misled by the complacent term "latent" applied to middle childhood. This is not the time to sleep and get careless. This is the age in which your children build consciences and learn your value system. In fact, it's the only time in their entire life when they unquestionably, at least early in that stage, accept their parents' value system. Slowly they form their own standards through interaction with peers, other families, and teachers, and through neighborhood relationships and church/synagogue friendships. They discover a larger world with a variety of beliefs and behaviors. As they talk (endlessly) and observe and experiment in a variety of situations, they learn about how they will choose to act and react. Trying belatedly to impose your values on a teenager whose main developmental task at this stage is to identify his own values is difficult. The best way to get your values across is to "walk your talk" by living your values.
11. GIVE YOUR CHILD RESPONSIBILITIES
Children need jobs. One of the main ways children develop self- confidence and internalize values is through helping maintain the family living area, inside and out. Giving children household duties helps them feel more valuable, besides channeling their energy into desirable behavior and teaching skills. Try these tips:
Enter the work force early. Beginning around age two, children can do small jobs around the house. To hold a child's interest, choose tasks the child has already shown an interest in. Our two-year-old, Lauren, had a thing about napkins, so we gave her the dinnertime job of putting napkins at each place. A mother in our practice told us: "I couldn't keep our three-year-old away from the vacuum cleaner. So I gave him the job of vacuuming the family room. He kept busy and I got some work out of him." Starting between ages two and four, a child can learn the concept of responsibility to self and to parents and for his personal belongings. Once he learns a sense of responsibility for these things, a sense of responsibility to society will come naturally in the next stage of development.
By three years of age, a child can be taught to clean sinks and tubs (using a sponge and a small can of cleanser). Young children love to scrub. Three's and Four's love to sort laundry into darks and lights. At five, the child can be doing dishes every night. Teach him exactly how you want them handled (for example, excess food in the garbage, dishes rinsed, and then put in the dishwasher). Be sure to use unbreakable cups and plates and put messy pans in the oven to be cleaned later by an adult.
By seven, a child can be cooking at least one meal a week from start to finish. Teach him how to fix his favorite meal and let him learn how to pick out the ingredients at the market. Encourage school-age children to make their own lunch. Besides giving them a sense of responsibility for their own nutrition, they are more likely to eat what they make. Once taught, the child can be left alone in the kitchen—no hovering mother. Relax and talk to your mate.
Give special jobs. Call a job "special" and it's more likely to get done. Whatever magical ring the word "special" has, it sure gets results. Perhaps a child infers that "I must be special because I get a special job." A four-to five-year-old can have preassigned chores, with reminders, of course. To put some order in our busy house we announce: "It's tidy time." Try assigning one room for each child to tidy up. Children at all ages suffer a bit of work inertia, especially as tasks wear on and lose their fun appeal. But sometimes children need to learn that work comes before play. To get them started, work with them.
Create job charts. Make this a creative activity for a family meeting. List the jobs to be done, and let each child choose and rotate if they want. We divide jobs into paying, extra- credit jobs they can earn money for, and nonpaying or those that are naturally expected of the children for the privilege of living in our home. Expect to pay a higher price on the most unwanted jobs. Best is to pay immediately after the work is responsibly done, since children are immediate-reward oriented. In the next stage of development, from five to ten years, children can make the connection that with increasing privileges come responsibilities. When we decided to get a family cottage, the deal was that Saturday mornings would be family fix-up time at the cottage, and only after the work was completed would the recreation begin.
Plant a family garden. Planting a garden teaches children that they reap what they sow. During our family garden phase, when our children were younger, we tied in caring for a garden and caring for them: Water the plants and they grow nicely, keep the weeds away and the flowers bloom better.
Other jobs boys and girls love and do well when first taught alongside a parent include: washing the car, sweeping outdoor living areas and sidewalks, gardening, vacuuming, dusting, and baby tending. By seven or eight they can put in a load of laundry, and by ten they can be doing their own laundry. When children have jobs in the home, not only are parents relieved of some of the busywork, but children feel they are contributing to a cause. They feel useful and needed. And the energy they spend on the home becomes an investment they are making into the value system of that home.
12. ENCOURAGE CHILDREN To EXPRESS, NOT STUFF, THEIR FEELINGS
Expressing feelings comfortably does not mean the child is free to explode at every emotional twinge, but rather develops a comfortable balance between expressing and controlling feelings. She should eventually be able to keep a lid on her emotions when needed, but not so tightly that she can't remove the lid in a "safe" setting, such as exercising (i.e., run like mad to blow off steam), or with a trustworthy friend. All babies freely express their feelings. Maturity develops through years of learning how to stay calm in difficult situations. A child with unbridled emotions becomes a brat. A person who never expresses emotions becomes too reserved. Too much control or too much emoting will both produce problems in adult life.
Stuffing feelings doesn't do any good for the child, the parents, or the relationship. It tells the child that you are threatened by her feelings or she gets the message that you don't care to understand her feelings. The child picks up on your attitude and learns that expressing or even having feelings is not okay. The child decides that the feelings that accompany the ups and downs of her daily life are not worthwhile. In a child's logic, if her feelings are not worthwhile, she is not worthwhile. If this unfeeling pattern repeats itself over and over, the child quickly learns both to suppress the feelings and especially to hide them from her parents.
Even more devastating than being uncaring is responding to a child's feelings with anger messages, "I don't want to hear any more bellowing about that stupid fish!" The fear of parents' reactions to her feelings turns a child into a feeling stuffer.
on the positive side, picture what happens when a child feels free to express herself and a parent accepts her feelings. Consider this example: "Daddy, the necklace Grandma gave me for my birthday broke." Dad stops what he is doing and focuses on his child, looking into her eyes and placing his hand around her shoulder. He says, "I'm sorry. That was such a special necklace." Both his verbal and his body language convey: "I am available to you; your feelings are important to me. You are important to me." His reaction frees the child to tell him more about her feelings and to work through them by talking to him. Instead of retreating into her shell or erupting into a tantrum, she has been given a way to express her sorrow. And he has boosted her self-worth by accepting her feelings, which are a reflection of herself.
DO YOU OWE YOUR CHILD SELF-ESTEEM?
Parents may misunderstand the meaning of self-esteem and feel that this is just one more thing they are required to give their child along with regular meals and a warm winter jacket. They guard against anything that may undercut self-esteem – to the point where it becomes ridiculous. ("oh, Billy, you don't really sing flat. You're just tonally challenged.") They measure self-esteem daily, as one might take a temperature. ("Julie's self-esteem is low today. Her big brother beat her at checkers last night.")
Every infant whose needs are met has self-esteem built in. Like an arborist caring for a tree, your job is to nurture what's there, do what you can to structure your child's environment so that she grows strong and straight, and avoid whittling away at the tender branches. You can't build your child's self- esteem compliment by compliment, activity by activity. Parents are already overloaded with guilt because they may not be doing enough to foster their child's self-worth. You don't need a degree in psychology to raise a confident child. Much of parenting is easy and fun. Hold your baby a lot, respond sensitively to her needs, enjoy your baby. Then sit back and enjoy the person whose self-esteem is developing naturally.
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