This is a fairly legnthy article but it has many wonderful points! I know that most of us have very young children and tend to think only of the "now." Because I have older kids, too, it helps me to read articles like this as it helps me with ALL of my kids!
One of the points I found to be so very important is the "Healing your Childhood" suggestion. I know that for me, personally, this was the best thing that I ever did for my kids difficult as it was. I'd never been aware of how my personal pain might affect my children's sense of self...
Also, as we begin to think about school for our toddler's I found some great thoughts reading this regarding making school a safe place..
http://askdrsears.com/html/6/T061500.asp12 WAYS TO HELP YOUR CHILD BUILD SELF-CONFIDENCE
Self-esteem is your child's passport to lifetime mental health and social happiness. It's the foundation of a child's well-being and the key to success as an adult. At all ages, how you feel about yourself affects how you act. Think about a time when you were feeling really good about yourself. You probably found it much easier to get along with others and feel good about them.
Self-image is how one perceives oneself. The child looks in the mirror and likes the person he sees. He looks inside himself and is comfortable with the person he sees. He must think of this self as being someone who can make things happen and who is worthy of love. Parents are the main source of a child's sense of self-worth.
Lack of a good self-image very often leads to behavior problems. Most of the behavioral problems that I see for counseling come from poor self-worth in parents as well as children. Why is one person a delight to be with, while another always seems to drag you down? How people value themselves, get along with others, perform at school, achieve at work, and relate in marriage, all stem from strength of their self-image.
Healthy self-worth doesn't mean being narcissistic or arrogant; it means having a realistic understanding of one's strengths and weaknesses, enjoying the strengths and working on the problem areas. Because there is such a strong parallel between how a person feels about himself and how a person acts, helping your child build self-confidence is vital to discipline.
Throughout life your child will be exposed to positive influences builders and negative influences breakers. Parents can expose their child to more builders and help him work through the breakers.
1. PRACTICE ATTACHMENT PARENTING
Put yourself in the place of a baby who spends many hours a day in a caregiver's arms, is worn in a sling, breastfed on cue, and her cries are sensitively responded to. How do you imagine this baby feels?
This baby feels loved; this baby feels valuable. Ever had a special day when you got lots of strokes and showered with praise? You probably felt like queen for a day and hopefully you behaved accordingly. The infant on the receiving end of this high-touch style of parenting develops self-worth. She likes what she feels.
Responsiveness is the key to infant self-value. Baby gives a cue, for example, crying to be fed or comforted. A caregiver responds promptly and consistently. As this cue-response pattern is repeated many hundreds, perhaps thousands, of times during the first year baby learns that her cues have meaning: "Someone listens to me, therefore, I am worthwhile." A stronger self emerges.
Of course, you can't always respond promptly or consistently. It's the predominant pattern that counts. You will have days when you are short on patience. Babies pick out the prevailing parenting style and form impressions. As baby gets older it becomes important for him to learn how to deal with healthy frustration, as this will teach him to adjust to change. The important thing is that you are there for him; that's the message on which baby builds his sense of self.
The confidence-building aspects that result from attachment-parenting pay off especially with high-need babies. Because of these infants' more intense demands, they are at higher risk of receiving negative responses. When attachment parenting produces mutual sensitivity between connected parents and high-need babies, they learn to see themselves in a good light.
Because of responsive nurturing, the connected baby knows what to expect. On the other hand, the disconnected child is confused. If his needs are not met and his cues unanswered, he feels that signals are not worth giving. This leads to the conclusion that "I'm not worthwhile. I'm at the mercy of others, and there's nothing I can do to reach them."
We emphasize the importance of early nurturing because during the first two years the baby's brain is growing very fast. This is the period when a baby develops patterns of associations – mental models of the way things work. The developing infant's mind is like a file drawer. In each file is a mental picture of a cue she gives along with the response she expects. After a certain interaction, the baby stores a mental image of what happened. For example, baby raises her arms and a parent responds by picking her up. Repetition deepens these patterns in the infant's mind, and eventually emotions, positive or negative, become associated with them. A file drawer full of mostly positive feelings and images leads to a feeling of "rightness." Her sense of "well-being" becomes part of baby's self.
Infants who get used to the feeling of well-being they get from attachment parenting spend the rest of their lives striving to keep this feeling. Because they have so much practice at feeling good, they can regain this right feeling after temporary interruptions. These secure infants cope better with life's setbacks because they are motivated to repair their sense of well-being, which has become integrated into their sense of self. They may fall down a lot, but they are likely to wind up back on their feet. This concept is especially true for a child who is handicapped or seems to come into this world relatively short-changed in natural talents. Children who do not have this early sense of well-being struggle to find it, but they are unsure of what they are looking for because they don't know how it feels. This explains why some babies who get attachment parenting in the early years manage well despite an unsettled childhood because of family problems. Consider the famous case of Baby Jessica, the two-year-old who because of a legal quirk was taken from the familiar and nurturing home of her adoptive parents whom she had known since birth, and given to her biological parents who were strangers to her. She is likely to thrive because she entered a strange situation with a strong sense of well-being created by early nurturing. She will spend the rest of her life maintaining that feeling despite the trauma she endured.
Playing catch-up. But what if I didn't practice all those attachment styles of parenting, you may wonder? Don't be too hard on yourself. Babies are resilient and, of course, it's never too late to start building up your child's self-image. Getting to know your child and seeing things from his point of view will help you help him learn to trust himself. This kind of nurturing cements together the blocks of self-worth, and can also repair them. Still, the earlier the cement is applied, the smoother it goes on and the stronger it sticks.
2. IMPROVE YOUR OWN SELF-CONFIDENCE. Parenting is therapeutic. In caring for your child you often heal yourself. A mother with a high-need baby in our practice once declared, "My baby brings out the best and the worst in me." If there are problems in your past that affect your present parenting, confront them. Get psychological help if they are interfering with your ability to remain calm and parent effectively.
Heal your past. A child's self-esteem is acquired, not inherited. Certain parenting traits and certain character traits, such as anger and fearfulness, are learned in each generation. Having a baby gives you the chance to become the parent you wish you had. If you suffer from low self-confidence, especially if you feel it's a result of how you were parented, take steps to heal yourself and break the family pattern. Try this exercise (therapists call this "passing on the best, and discarding the rest")
List the specific things your parents did to build your self-image.
List the specific things your parents did to weaken your self-image.
Now resolve to emulate the good things your parents did and avoid the rest. If you find it difficult to follow through with this exercise on your own, get help from a professional. Both you and your child will benefit.
Don't be too hard on your parents. They probably did the best they could given their circumstances and the prevailing advice of the times. I remember once hearing a grandmother say to a mother, "I was a good mother to you. I followed exactly the schedule the doctor gave me." This new mother felt that some of her present problems stemmed from the rigid scheduling that she endured when she was a baby. She was determined to learn to read her baby's cues. I reminded her not to blame her own mother because the prevailing parenting practice at the time was to follow the "experts'" advice on childrearing. The mother of the 90's, however, is more comfortable becoming the expert on her own child.
Polish your mirror. No one can put on a happy face all the time, but a parent's unhappiness can transfer to a child. Your child looks to you as a mirror for his own feelings. If you are worried, you can't reflect good feelings. In the early years, a child's concept of self is so intimately tied up with the mother's concept of herself that a sort of mutual self-worth building goes on. What image do you reflect to your child? She will see through a false facade to the troubled person beneath. Matthew, on a fill-in-the-blanks tribute to his mother, wrote: "I like being with my mother most when she's happy." Children translate your unhappiness with yourself to mean unhappiness with them. Even infants know they are supposed to please their parents. As they get older, they may even come to feel responsible for their parents' happiness. If you are not content, they must not be good (or good enough). If you are experiencing serious problems with depression or anxiety, seek help so that you can resolve these feelings before they affect your child.
Martha Notes: Tip of the Day
"Shortly after the birth of our eighth child, I was overwhelmed with two babies in diapers and the needs of four older children at home. My stress was reflected in my face; I was often not a happy person. Fortunately, I recognized what I was showing of myself to my children. I did not want my children growing up believing that mothering is no fun or that they caused me to be unhappy. I sought help, fixed my inner feelings and polished my mirror so that my children could see a better image of themselves."
3. BE A POSITIVE MIRROR
Much of a child's self-image comes not only from what the child perceives about herself, but from how she thinks others perceive her. This is especially true of preschoolers who learn about themselves from their parents' reactions. Do you reflect positive or negative images to your child? Do you give her the idea that she's fun to be with? That her opinions and desires matter to you? That her behavior pleases you?
When you give your child positive reflections, he learns to think well of himself. He will also willingly rely on you to tell him when his behavior is not pleasing. This becomes a discipline tool. "All I have to do is look at her a certain way, and she stops misbehaving," said one mother. She had saturated her child's self awareness with positive feelings, and the youngster was used to the way he felt being on the receiving end of these strokes. When mother flashed a negative reflection, the child didn't like the feeling it produced. He changed his behavior quickly to regain his sense of well-being.
Be realistic.
You can't be up and smiling all the time and still be human. Your child should know that parents have down days, too. Children can see through fake cheerfulness. Your sensitivity toward him will increase his sensitivity toward you, and someday he may be the one lifting your self- confidence.
Putting Humpty-Dumpty Back Together Again. You spend the early years building your child's self-confidence. You spend the later years protecting it. Many thin-skinned children need protection from situations they find overwhelming. I was examining five-year-old Thomas for his school-entry physical. Thomas was a sensitive child whose mother had spent years helping him build a strong sense of self-worth. We were engaged in a philosophical discussion of the long-term benefits of attachment parenting and Thomas was understandably bored. He began hanging on my scale—an expensive scale that is built into the top of the examining table. My first thought was the safety of my table. To me it was more at risk than Thomas, so I firmly asked, "Thomas, would you please stop hanging on the scale?" Just as Thomas was about to crumble from my unintended put-down, his mother interjected a saving, "...because you're so strong." She knows how to get behind the eyes of her child.
4. PLAY WITH YOUR CHILD
You will learn a lot about your child—and yourself—during play. Playtime gives your child the message "You are worth my time. You are a valuable person." It is well known that children learn through play. It improves a child's behavior by giving him feelings of importance and accomplishment. Instead of viewing playtime as a chore, use it to make an investment in your child's behavior.
Let your child initiate the play. A valuable learning principle that parents should keep in mind is this: an activity initiated by the child holds the child's attention longer than one suggested by the adult playmate. More learning takes place when the child chooses what to do. Child-initiated play also increases self-worth: "Dad likes to do the things I do!" of course, you may be thinking, "oh no, not the block game again!" or "We've read that story twenty times!" That's the ordeal of parenting. You'll get bored with The Cat in the Hat long before your child. If you want to bring something new to the same old play activity, add your own new twists as the play continues. Stop to talk about the book: "What would you do if the Cat in the Hat came to our door?" "Let's turn this block tower into a parking garage."
Make your child feel special. During play, focus your attention on the child. If your body is with your child but your mind is at work, your child will sense that you have tuned out, and neither one of you benefits from the time together. Your child loses the value of your being with her, concluding that she is not important. You lose the opportunity to learn about and enjoy your child—and to relearn how to play. I remember the fun six-month-old Matthew and I had in our "play circle." I sat him facing in front of me with a few favorite toys (mine and his) making a circle around him with my legs. This space contained him and provided support in case he, as a beginning sitter, started to topple sideways. Matthew had my undivided attention. He felt special and so did I. Making all those goofy baby noises is fun.
Parents need play. As a busy person, I had a hard time getting down to a baby's level enjoying unstructured, seemingly unproductive play. After all, I had so many "more important" things on my agenda. Once I realized how much we both could benefit, this special time became meaningful. Play became therapeutic for me. I needed time away from some of those other things to focus on this important little person who was, without realizing it, teaching me to relax. Play helped me to get to know Matthew's temperament and his capabilities at each stage of development. The child reveals himself to the parent—and vice versa— during play; the whole relationship benefits greatly. Playtime puts us on our child's level, helping parents get behind the eyes and into the mind of their child. Take time to enjoy the simple pleasures of play.
Play is an investment. Consider playtime one of your best investments. You may feel that you are "wasting time" stacking blocks when you could be "doing something" instead. Some adults panic at the thought and really have to struggle to be able to let go of their grown-up agenda. Of course, you don't have to play all day long, nor will your child want you to (unless he senses your resistance!). What may seem like a meaningless activity to you, means a lot to your baby. The more interest you show in doing things with your baby early on, the more interest your child will have in doing things with you when he's older. As your child grows, you can involve him in your play and your work, since being with you is the best reward. Think of it this way—you are doing the most important job in the world—raising a human being.
5. ADDRESS YOUR CHILD BY NAME
What's in a name? The person, the self—little or big. I can still remember my grandfather impressing on me the value of using and remembering peoples' names. This lesson has proved profitable. One year I was a pre-med student competing with a bunch of marketing majors for a summer sales job. After I landed the job I inquired why I, though less qualified, had been hired. "Because you remembered and used the names of all of your interviewers." Addressing your child by name, especially when accompanied by eye contact and touch, exudes a "you're special" message. Beginning an interaction by using the other person's name opens doors, breaks barriers, and even softens corrective discipline.
Children learn to associate how you use their name with the message you have and the behavior you expect. Parents often use a child's nickname or first name only in casual dialogue, "Jimmy, I like what you are doing." They beef up the message by using the full name to make a deeper impression, "James Michael Sears, stop that!" one child we've heard about refers to his whole name as his "mad name" because that's what he hears when his parents are angry at him. We have noticed that children with self-confidence more frequently address their peers and adults by name or title. Their own self-worth allows them to be more direct in their communication with others. Our two-year-old Lauren dashes by my desk chirping: "Hi, Dad!" The addition of "Dad" impressed me more than an impersonal "Hi!" A school-age child who is comfortable addressing adults by name will be better able to ask for help when needed.
6. PRACTICE THE CARRY-OVER PRINCIPLE
As your child gets older, encourage her talents. She can do well at something, whether as a two-year-old who packs exceptional pretend picnics or a ten-year- old who loves ballet. Over the years, we've noticed a phenomenon we call the carryover principle: enjoying one activity boosts a child's self-image, and this carries over into other endeavors. One of our sons is a natural athlete, but he wasn't interested in academics. Operating on the carryover principle, we encouraged his enjoyment of athletics while supporting him as he worked on the academics. The schoolwork improved as his overall self-confidence increased. Recognize your child's special talents, and help her build on them, then watch the whole person blossom.
Author
Logged
