Praise vs Encouragement

[tristan]

I feel this is a tricky topic that most people misunderstand, and even when we understand the concept, it is still difficult to work out what is praise and what is encouragement.

The thread on 'Good Job' http://www.healthyparenting.info/forum/index.php/topic,137.0.html has a lengthy article about praise and encouragement.

My short description is that praise places an external value on achievement and results in the child looking externally for value judgements. A praised child does not learn to value their own achievement and to always seek recognition for their actions. They believe that external factors control their lives. Praise results in only good and bad outcomes. I did, or did not, get that right. Encouragement helps children to see that they are getting better all the time, and that everything helps them to learn and improve, and not to consider whether it was a 'good job' or 'well done'.

An encouraged child learns that they control their own lives. That external forces do not govern their experiences. Encouragement helps kids to look internally and to work at what they are doing with less emphasis on what other people think. Encouragement enables the child to look within for value.

A praised child will do things that they think you want them to do, so that they get the praise. This often ends up being behaviours that become a problem for the parent. Because they are trying to please, they often don't explore as much for fear of not receiving the external recognition. An encouraged child thinks for themselves and makes their own judgements about how they are going and what they are doing.

'Look mum at what I did' is really: tell me it looks good otherwise I won't know its good or be able to feel good about what I have done.

What I have not said is anything about what is and isn't praise and encouragement. Please comment.

[jnezmama02]

It seems you're saying that the difference has to do w/ the parents internal motivation and that the same words could be either praise (placing a value on the kid's actions) or encouragement (helps them learn and see they're getting better).

How are the kids supposed to make this determination whether they are being judged or just encouraged. I guess I don't "get" what would indicate that to a 1yr old or a 3yr old or 8yr old.

[tristan]

That is certainly not what I am saying. It has little to do with the parents internal motivation.

The result of praise is a child with an external locus of control. An encouraged kid has an internal locus of control.

The difference between praise and encouragement is not black and white, but what is important is whether the parent is saying whether it is good or bad. Saying 'good boy', or 'well done' are enforcing your value judgement on the child, resulting in an external locus of control - they seek external recognition and acceptance.

The child does not need to determine anything. What the parents say to their children is what it is.

The key is to think about what you say to your children and reflect on what it is that you are telling them. If you are telling them what you think then it is probably praise. (although there is a grey area of course).

[jnezmama02]

So, I guess then I'm confused about how you verbally encourage a child without it turning into praise. I don't think the article or anyone here has clearly given concrete examples of praise vs. encouragement in a real example.

[kokonutmama]

Maybe I can try, though I think "encouragement" of any behavior over other behaviors is a kind of judgement, so there's no real black and white here. 
When Kody finds a rag and wipes a spill on the floor, instead of saying "good job" or (gasp!) "good boy" I try to say, "Hey, you wiped your own mess, that's being responsible" or if it wasn't his mess to start with, "that's helpful of you."  at this point I guess it's all practice.  I got the inspiration for that from "How to Talk so Kids Will Listen,..." which has lots of examples as well as cartoons.

[jnezmama02]

hmm...I guess I don't reallly see how saying "Hey, you wiped up your own mess, that's being responsible" is better than "Hey, you wiped up your own mess, good job".  They seem pretty much to same to me. I don't see how this small difference in semantics is going to warp a kid's internal sense of accomplishment.

[jnezmama02]

I don't see how this small difference in semantics is going to warp a kid's internal sense of accomplishment.

BTW, I know that you, Adrienne and Tristan, weren't claiming this. This is more of a reaction to the author of the article who was making that claim.

Also, I wanted to say that I think there's a big difference between a generic "good job" and "you did such and such, good job" or which is more "aware parenting".

[tristan]

http://www.lib.sk.ca/booksinfo/WesternProducer/1979/wp790329.html

Encouragement is important for children, and quite different from praise. Praise stresses how other people feel. "I'm so proud of you", stresses an adult's feelings, emphasizing the results, but not the efforts.

"That's wonderful", "That's perfect", are expressions that many children have heard, and probably didn't believe. If a child is told, "That's the most beautiful drawing I have ever seen", he knows it is not so, and he will feel let down and suspicious of the comment, even if it was made out of love.

Does, "I'm so proud of you", create pride within a child? Sometimes, perhaps. But, most often not. The child feels forced to keep someone else felling proud of him, regardless of how the child feels about himself. If he fails to keep up his high level of performance, he will be letting someone else down. So, he may feel shame and anxiety, not pride.

The message the child heard was, "I'm proud of you, so don't you dare let me down", even though only the first part of the phrase may have been spoken out aloud.

In trying to meet someone else's goals and expectations, an overly-praised child may become anxious and tense. This only increases the risk of failure later on, and the resulting shame which easily leads to further failure.

A child who is overly praised may give up trying, or fail on purpose. Praise a child heavily for his good behavior, and most likely, he will misbehave. When parents have praised a child, and he doesn't respond, or behaves in the opposite way, they feel hurt and confused. This happens because their praise does little to help a child develop pride in himself, which is the key to his or her continued achievements.

Encouragement is different. It acknowledges the child's efforts and feelings, and as a result, increases his confidence in himself.

If we always reward a child with praise after a task is completed, then the child comes to expect it. However, if praise is not forthcoming, then its absence may be interpreted by the child as failure.

"Children who are subjected to endless praise eventually learn to do things not for their own sake, but to please others."

One of the main differences between praise and encouragement is that praise often comes paired with a judgment or evaluation, such as "best" or "good".

According to Bolton (1979, pg 181):
Evaluative praise is the expression of favorable judgment about another person or his behaviors: "Eric, you are such a good boy." Evaluative praise often utilizes superlatives like "wonderful," "marvelous," "superb." and so on. This kind of praise, especially when it constitutes a favorable global evaluation of the person, is rarely constructive.

According to Ginott (1965):
Evaluative praise.....creates anxiety, invites dependency, and evokes defensiveness. It is nonconducive to self-reliance, self-direction and self-control. These qualities demand freedom from outside judgment. They require reliance on inner motivation and evaluation.


Encouragement is specific

Encouragement focuses on improvement of process rather than evaluation of a finished product

Sincere, direct comments delivered with a natural voice are encouraging

Encouragement does not set children up for failure

Encouragement helps children appreciate their own behaviors and achievements

Encouragement avoids comparisons or competition
 
Encouraging statements do not compare one child to another

[AnnieMommy7]

Both articles speak of "excessive praise."  From what I've read in these posts I think we all agree that excessive praise is not a good thing and to seek balance.  I have not seen anyone here who uses the term "good boy/girl" or other such black and white terms.  There is evaluative praise and there is descriptive praise.  I think most of us here are aware enough to know the difference and to use praise appropriately, sincerely and with thought.

However, what I feel I am being told is that any use of praise is detrimental and that's just not going to fly with me. Ironically, to those of use who use praise in balance with encouragement I feel as though a value judgement is being placed on our parenting style and that we are to be convinced that all praise is "bad."  Again, I disagree.  So many things sound good in theory but do not do well when put to the test or are found lacking in some area and I feel the "no praise" concept may be one of theories when it's taken to an extreme.  It leaves me wondering just what I am "allowed" to say to my children and in what tone of voice."  Stepford parenting...no emotion, no sponteneity, little joy or humor. 

For the record, as the parent of seven children I know that one can praise a child without making comparisons, while appreciating the process, without setting a child up for failure and without setting up competetions between siblings.  Again, far too black and white and far too judgemental of the parent who uses measured doses of sincere desciptive praise.

I choose to go along with Dr. Sears idea's on praise and it's benefit as posted on the other thread.  It's a far more baanced concept and far more human, I think.

My two cents yet again.

Annie

[moogie]

Although we are all AP(most of the members i gather) we are still going to have differing opinions.  in this situation its probably more a differing of opinions on the theory than the actual parenting practices implemented of praise vs encouragement. 

I think that a lot of comprehensive information has been provided here and its been a good discussion so we can all decide what way to go with this idea.

Annie, its clear that you're a great mum and you've clearly raised some well adjusted wonderful kids so i wasn't saying your approach was wrong, its just not the one i am taking with my kids.  My approach is just diiferent.

[jnezmama02]

Annie, you took the words right out o my mouth!

Megs, I guess you're right that we'll have to "agree to disagree" on this issue.