Five Reasons to Stop Saying "Good Job!" PART 1

[moogie]

I want to discuss this article and i'll put it in installments so its easy to keep up with it.  We've taken this approach from day 1 with Charlie.

Sharon, you might want to show mum this one hehehe.

http://www.alfiekohn.org/parenting/gj.htm

YOUNG CHILDREN

September 2001

Five Reasons to Stop Saying "Good Job!"

By Alfie Kohn

NOTE: An abridged version of this article was published in Parents magazine in May 2000 with the title "Hooked on Praise." For a more detailed look at the issues discussed here, please see the books
Punished by Rewards and Unconditional Parenting.

Hang out at a playground, visit a school, or show up at a child’s birthday party, and there’s one phrase you can count on hearing repeatedly: "Good job!" Even tiny infants are praised for smacking their hands together ("Good clapping!"). Many of us blurt out these judgments of our children to the point that it has become almost a verbal tic.

Plenty of books and articles advise us against relying on punishment, from spanking to forcible isolation ("time out"). Occasionally someone will even ask us to rethink the practice of bribing children with stickers or food. But you’ll have to look awfully hard to find a discouraging word about what is euphemistically called positive reinforcement.

Lest there be any misunderstanding, the point here is not to call into question the importance of supporting and encouraging children, the need to love them and hug them and help them feel good about themselves. Praise, however, is a different story entirely. Here's why.

1. Manipulating children. Suppose you offer a verbal reward to reinforce the behavior of a two-year-old who eats without spilling, or a five-year-old who cleans up her art supplies. Who benefits from this? Is it possible that telling kids they’ve done a good job may have less to do with their emotional needs than with our convenience?

Rheta DeVries, a professor of education at the University of Northern Iowa, refers to this as "sugar-coated control." Very much like tangible rewards – or, for that matter, punishments – it’s a way of doing something to children to get them to comply with our wishes. It may be effective at producing this result (at least for a while), but it’s very different from working with kids – for example, by engaging them in conversation about what makes a classroom (or family) function smoothly, or how other people are affected by what we have done -- or failed to do. The latter approach is not only more respectful but more likely to help kids become thoughtful people.

The reason praise can work in the short run is that young children are hungry for our approval. But we have a responsibility not to exploit that dependence for our own convenience. A "Good job!" to reinforce something that makes our lives a little easier can be an example of taking advantage of children’s dependence. Kids may also come to feel manipulated by this, even if they can’t quite explain why.

2. Creating praise junkies. To be sure, not every use of praise is a calculated tactic to control children’s behavior. Sometimes we compliment kids just because we’re genuinely pleased by what they’ve done. Even then, however, it’s worth looking more closely. Rather than bolstering a child’s self-esteem, praise may increase kids’ dependence on us. The more we say, "I like the way you…." or "Good ______ing," the more kids come to rely on our evaluations, our decisions about what’s good and bad, rather than learning to form their own judgments. It leads them to measure their worth in terms of what will lead us to smile and dole out some more approval.

Mary Budd Rowe, a researcher at the University of Florida, discovered that students who were praised lavishly by their teachers were more tentative in their responses, more apt to answer in a questioning tone of voice ("Um, seven?"). They tended to back off from an idea they had proposed as soon as an adult disagreed with them. And they were less likely to persist with difficult tasks or share their ideas with other students.

In short, "Good job!" doesn’t reassure children; ultimately, it makes them feel less secure. It may even create a vicious circle such that the more we slather on the praise, the more kids seem to need it, so we praise them some more. Sadly, some of these kids will grow into adults who continue to need someone else to pat them on the head and tell them whether what they did was OK. Surely this is not what we want for our daughters and sons.

3. Stealing a child’s pleasure. Apart from the issue of dependence, a child deserves to take delight in her accomplishments, to feel pride in what she’s learned how to do. She also deserves to decide when to feel that way. Every time we say, "Good job!", though, we’re telling a child how to feel.

To be sure, there are times when our evaluations are appropriate and our guidance is necessary -- especially with toddlers and preschoolers. But a constant stream of value judgments is neither necessary nor useful for children’s development. Unfortunately, we may not have realized that "Good job!" is just as much an evaluation as "Bad job!" The most notable feature of a positive judgment isn’t that it’s positive, but that it’s a judgment. And people, including kids, don’t like being judged.

I cherish the occasions when my daughter manages to do something for the first time, or does something better than she’s ever done it before. But I try to resist the knee-jerk tendency to say, "Good job!" because I don’t want to dilute her joy. I want her to share her pleasure with me, not look to me for a verdict. I want her to exclaim, "I did it!" (which she often does) instead of asking me uncertainly, "Was that good?"

4. Losing interest. "Good painting!" may get children to keep painting for as long as we keep watching and praising. But, warns Lilian Katz, one of the country’s leading authorities on early childhood education, "once attention is withdrawn, many kids won’t touch the activity again." Indeed, an impressive body of scientific research has shown that the more we reward people for doing something, the more they tend to lose interest in whatever they had to do to get the reward. Now the point isn’t to draw, to read, to think, to create – the point is to get the goody, whether it’s an ice cream, a sticker, or a "Good job!"

In a troubling study conducted by Joan Grusec at the University of Toronto, young children who were frequently praised for displays of generosity tended to be slightly less generous on an everyday basis than other children were. Every time they had heard "Good sharing!" or "I’m so proud of you for helping," they became a little less interested in sharing or helping. Those actions came to be seen not as something valuable in their own right but as something they had to do to get that reaction again from an adult. Generosity became a means to an end.

Does praise motivate kids? Sure. It motivates kids to get praise. Alas, that’s often at the expense of commitment to whatever they were doing that prompted the praise.

5. Reducing achievement. As if it weren’t bad enough that "Good job!" can undermine independence, pleasure, and interest, it can also interfere with how good a job children actually do. Researchers keep finding that kids who are praised for doing well at a creative task tend to stumble at the next task – and they don’t do as well as children who weren’t praised to begin with.

Why does this happen? Partly because the praise creates pressure to "keep up the good work" that gets in the way of doing so. Partly because their interest in what they’re doing may have declined. Partly because they become less likely to take risks – a prerequisite for creativity – once they start thinking about how to keep those positive comments coming.

More generally, "Good job!" is a remnant of an approach to psychology that reduces all of human life to behaviors that can be seen and measured. Unfortunately, this ignores the thoughts, feelings, and values that lie behind behaviors. For example, a child may share a snack with a friend as a way of attracting praise, or as a way of making sure the other child has enough to eat. Praise for sharing ignores these different motives. Worse, it actually promotes the less desirable motive by making children more likely to fish for praise in the future.

[kokonutmama]

Well, I didn't read it, but skimmed it.  I thought I was doing a "good job" by replacing "good boy" with "good job" and let me tell you, getting my parents to do that is hard.  I thnk I understand the concepts in the article, though, I'll have to read through again to make a decision. 

[kokonutmama]

OK.  I've read it now and I have to say that I agree with a lot of what the article says.
 Let's talk about me for a minute.  My mom is of the school of positive reinforcement, obnoxiously sing song voice, and absolute control of others.  Still to this day, when she praises me I want to hit her over the head with a chair.  I thought until reading this article that that feeling was the result of being pigeonholed and labled "Good Girl."  I grew up thinking that my value as a human being was firmly attached to my ability to sit quietly and not bother anybody.  Honest to goodness, it took becoming a parent at 27 years old to realize how stifling that is.
As an extrapolation of the labeling business, I can see how constantly praising children can be damaging, as well, now that I think about it.  Maybe part of me thinks that never saying good job is going a bit overboard, though.  In the article, there's mention of how praise is meant to manipulate children into making our lives more convenient.  I might argue that there are some things about which very young children need to be trained.  For example: I'm not yet convinced that it's bad for ds if I smile and say "allright!" when he puts a spoonfull of food in his mouth instead of his ear, or "thanks bub" when he removes his hand from the toilet bowl or picks up a piece of trash and puts it into the garbage can.  Certain societal norms are indispensable, and at 13 months, patiently explaining isn't going to do the trick.
I'm awfully interested in this topic, but I guess I'll post in installments, too, so I can get some work done this naptime! 

[moogie]

I definately don't see a problem with the thanks bub or the alright.  I think the article says its fine to encourage.  otherwise i'm in trouble too.  we always say, Hey, you did a pee in the potty and thankyou when she gives me something.  I need to read more.

[tristan]

I agree meg. 'thanks bub' is expressing your feeling. It can be overdone and become a kind of praise so just make sure you are genuinly thankful when you say it. And 'alright' is more like an observation of the outcome, although borderline because it does place a value on the action.

This is a  sticky topic so I will start another thread on 'praise vs encouragement'.

[skeettafic]

I think that one major reason 'good job' can become so detrimental in parenting is that it becomes a catch all and doesn't actually take much interaction or realizaion of what your child is doing.  A lot of this goes back to awareness/mindfulness in parenting.  I've realized that I am much more likely to say 'good job' when I'm tuned out for some reason and am not aware of what feelings Jocelyn may be experiencing at the time - is she proud, happy, giddy, curious, etc.  Encouragement is taking those feelings and acknowleding them - "Wow, you've worked really hard at getting the spoon in your mouth"; "Look at how much time you spent on your building - it must mean a lot to you"; "It took a lot of courage to climb that chair all by yourself".  I think you get the drift.

I agree with what you said though, Adrienne - There are times when a toddler (or any person really) needs to hear that they have done a 'good job' even though they are being externally, not internally motivated.

[kokonutmama]

I guess what's underlying this whole issue is the question: Should we, as parents, have any sort of ideal that we try to guide our children toward?  
I used to think "no."  Each person is an individual and not some drone of their parents and should have absolute freedom to choose their own path.  (Annie, forgive me, no his/her, OK?)  A parent's values belong to the parent, and the children must find their own based on all the resources available to them, including but not limited to the parent's example.  
But then I started to wonder, if their is no absolute value system, and there is no inherited value system, then that leaves an awful void in the child's life.  In other words, if there is no right or wrong, how the heck do you make a decision, and what's the point anyway?  My concern is that teenagers who are raised like this, without judgment, are bound for a paralyzing existential crisis at a critical age.
Of course, if you need some context for all this pondering, I was raised in an extremely Catholic household and school environment.  All of my values were based on the teachings of that religion and when I rejected it as a teenager, I was left with that void.  It sucked.  Who's to say if I had never been in so strictly judged if I would have been able to create my own reasons and metrics?
My resistance to the ideas in the "5 Reasons..." article is from the idea that a certain number of rules to live by can be liberating and if they are well chosen can be helpful to raising happy, confident people.  Judgment, used in moderation, might be  one way to help our kids grow up.  
I'm guessing that if someone else had posted this, I would jump on and argue the other side.  It's not an issue I've made up my mind about, that's why I'm so involved.

(Jess, you posted while I was typing, I agree, I tend to use "good job" more when I'm feeling detached and lazy)

[AnnieMommy7]

I agree with what you said though, Adrienne - There are times when a toddler (or any person really) needs to hear that they have done a 'good job' even though they are being externally, not internally motivated.

I totally agree with Jessica's and Adrienne's comments.  A "good job" is something of value at any age...  We don't live in a vacuum and as very important as internal motivation is we do need occasional external validation.  That's simple human nature.  I agree praise can be way overdone but in proper balance with lots of encouragement I do't see it as terribly harmful.  I also agree that it needs to be sincere.

I think of myself as a mindful parent but damn if the more than occasional, 'Woohoo Aidan!  You turned off the light switch!" doesn't pop out.  I suppose that by saying "woohoo" I am placing some external value on whatever act but I get excited and so does he.  I see no need to stifle that or sensor my true enthusiasm.

I think you will also find that as you child enters the worlld they will be bombarded by external pressures which are impossible to ignore.  Praising a teenager for getting themselves out of a dangerous or uncomfortable situation goes a long way towards encouraging that sort of courageous behavior in the future.

My two cents....balance is key as well as assessing each situation individually and respoding appropriately to that situation.  Think...but try not to over-think or something important may be lost in the moment.

Annie

[ShannonandDel]

Annie said exactly what I have been thinking, but couldn't figure out how to say. I think to much praise isn't the best thing in the world (look at Harry Potter's cousin what's his name) but I think it has its place. Especially right now, with babies trying to figure everything  out. I don't think telling Del "Good Job" for putting her diaper in the diaper pail of figuring out how to use a spoon is going to set her up to stop trying in the future. I think when she gets a little older is when I am going to have to watch it. I will have to see how it goes I guess.

Shannon

[AnnieMommy7]

I'd also like to add that IS a need to place values on actions and behaviors.  If we didn't we'd be living in complete chaos.

There are societally acceptable behaviors and there are behaviors that are not acceptable.  If we place no value judgement on unacceptable behaviors then we really aren't equiping our children as well as we should be to interact successfully in the world.

This is an extrapolation of not living in a vacuum...  How we act and react impacts others.  We also need to be mindful of that.

Annie

[vbsmith]

I don't know how I feel about this.  I need to think on it, read everyone else's posts and then come up with my answer.  The article was fascinating though.  I wondered about the writer's background - if their parent's praised or didn't praise.  I wonder if it's a little out there.  I don't like it when I hear parents doing commentary on their child's every move.  I tend to stay silent a long part of the day with Vivian.  I hear so many women babbling constantly to their children in the stores and nurseries that it makes my head hurt. 

Rambling. . . I'll come back with something more concrete.  Interesting stuff though.

[moogie]

I posted this article but i don't think i've commented yet. 

We don't use praise (unless it accidentally slips out).
We use encouraging words which i think the article is all about.  I think i felt similar to you all about the concept when i was first confronted with it. This was before c was born and I just thought what do you say when they've done something and you think you should say wow or good job.  I was brought up in an extremely 'good job' household and honestly i think it led me to always want acknowledgement for a job well done and never be happy unless someone else thought what i did was 'good'.

I think it Annie who said that sometimes our kids need to know they've done a good job.  I agree but i think if they know for themselves rather than someone telling them then thats a better situation.  I think they need to know that their feelings are being acknowledged.   Like if they've pressed a button on a lift and are pleased with themselves for doing this, then you are acknowledging and encouraging their exploration by saying "You just hit the down button"  matching their enthusiasm.  By saying Good girl, they are thinking you think this is good, what else though?

Another example is you are in the lift again.  your child hits the down button but you want to go up.  By saying to them "thats the down button. but hon, this time we need to go up."  they get it and its not about them hitting the button because you said it was good. and you're not saying they did something bad either.  probably not the best explanation,but i'm still new at this too.

so its not about not encouraging, and i understand your points having been there before.

[jnezmama02]

I think the author of this is a little extreme...using extreme examples. I think we need to do both...encourage and praise. Praise helps a child know what they're doing right (which I think is ok, as Annie stated) and helps boost confidence and self-esteem.

Also, I think it is natural and ok that a child want approval from parents. Heck, even my cats like approval when they capture an insect or a mouse (yuck); they come running w/ their treasures to show me how proud they are and definitely want approval.

However, I think praise needs to be balanced, not overdone. Here's  what Dr. Sears says on this issue (from http://www.askdrsears.com/html/6/T061300.asp)...I think he writes what I want to say in a much clearer way:

1. PRAISE
Praise is a valuable shaper; children want to please you and keep your approval. Yet, you can easily overdo it. Praise the behavior, not the person. Praises like "good girl" or "good boy" risk misinterpretation and are best reserved for training pets. These labels are too heavy for some children. ("If I don't do well, does that mean I'm bad?") Better is: "You did a good job cleaning your room." "That's a good decision." "I like the way you used lots of color in this picture." The child will see that the praise is sincere since you made the effort to be specific; it shows that you're paying attention. For quickies try "Great job!" or "Way to go!" or even "Yesss!" To avoid the "I'm valued by my performance" trap, acknowledge the act and let the child conclude the act is praiseworthy. If you praise every other move the child makes he will either get addicted to praise, or wonders why you are so desperate to make him feel good about himself. Be realistic. You don't have to praise, or even acknowledge, things he just does for the joy of it, for his own reasons.

Shaping through praise works well if you have a specific behavior goal that you want to reach, for example, stopping whining. Initially, you may feel like you are acknowledging nearly every pleasant sound your child makes ("I like your sweet voice"). Eventually, as the whining subsides, the immediate need for praise lessens (of course, a booster shot is needed for relapses) and you move on to shaping another behavior.

Change praises. To keep your child's attention, change the delivery of your accolades. As you pass by the open door of the cleaner room, say: "Good job!" Show with body language a thumbs-up signal for the child who dresses herself. Written praises are a boon in large families. They show extra care. Private praises help, too. Leave little "nice work" notes on pillows, yellow "post-its" on homework, messages that convey that you noticed and that you are pleased. Children need praise, but don't overdo it. You don't want a child to look around for applause whenever she lifts a finger, like a dog expecting a cookie every time he does a trick.

As an exercise in praise-giving, write down how many times you praised and how many times you criticized your child in the last 24 hours. We call these pull-ups and put-downs. If your pull-ups don't significantly outnumber your pull-downs, you are shaping your child in the wrong direction.

Praise genuinely. Praise loses its punch if you shower acclaim on usual and expected behavior; yet when the child who habitually strikes out finally hits the ball, that's praiseworthy. Simply acknowledge expected behavior, rather than gushing praise.

Acknowledgment is dispassionate praise that shapes a child to please himself rather than perform for approval. Don't make up fake kudos. The child will see through them and begin to question even genuine praise. For example, before you praise, try to read your child's body language to see whether the child feels the job is praiseworthy: "Daddy, look at my drawing I did at school. I got an 'A'." If she approaches you eagerly, displaying her picture for all to see, this child deserves praise that shares her excitement. If she pulls the paper out of her schoolbag and tosses it on the kitchen table, praise may not be in order.

Use the art of complimenting. Teach your child to be comfortable giving and receiving compliments. Tell your child, "What a handsome boy you are" or "How pretty you look in that dress!" Eye and body contact during your delivery reinforces the sincerity of your acknowledgment. Make sure you're sincere. When you hear your children complimenting one another, compliment yourself for your modeling.

Children with weak self-worth have difficulty giving and receiving compliments. They are so hung up on how they imagine the receiver will take their tribute, that they clam up; they feel so unworthy of any compliment that they shrug off the compliment and put off the complimenter. If you are like that as a person, learn to give and take a compliment yourself so that you can model this to your child. Compliment yourself, "I feel good about the sale I made today!" Acknowledge your child's praise, "You're the best mommy." "Thank you, honey, I like to hear that." Some mothers (and fathers) hear these words often, yet deny the truth of their child's words by the outward response they give (sighing, gulping, frowning, shrugging or grimacing) and by their internal guilt trip. If this is you, get some help believing what your child intuitively knows—you're the best parent for this child. Parental self-image directly affects children's self-confidence and the ability to give and receive compliments comfortably.

Avoid praises with a hidden agenda. I had been on our teenager's case about dressing more modestly. One day I said, "I like your new wardrobe." She saw right through this, and took it as a put-down of her old wardrobe. She interpreted my comment as trying to manipulate what she wears. A better approach would have been more specific and more centered on her: "That longer shirt really makes you look graceful" or "Classy jacket—you look ready for college."

Problems with praise. While appropriately-used praise can shape behavior, it's not the only way to reinforce good behavior. In some ways it's superficial. Praise is an external motivator. The ultimate goal of discipline is self-discipline—inner motivation. We praise good grades and have always motivated our children by planting the idea that good grades are one ticket to success. We always temper our praise with "How do you feel about your report card? We want you to get good grades mainly because it makes you happy." When possible, turn the focus back on the child's feelings: "You played well at the recital. I bet you're relieved and proud." Best results with praise to shape behavior is setting the conditions that help children know how and when to praise themselves.

EXPECT GOOD BEHAVIOR
Excessive praise will give children the message that obedience and good behavior are optional. It's better to give your child the message that he is doing exactly what you expect, not something out of the ordinary. Children are programmed to meet your expectations. Sometimes all that is needed for you to break a negative cycle is to expect good behavior. Treat them as if they really are going to choose right. When parents don't expect obedience, they generally don't get it.