Charlie issues again

[moogie]

What affect do you guys think cold turkey would have on bringing Charlie back here full time as opposed to the very slow transition that is happening right now.

Its getting very frustrating.  Charlie was at our house for days while MIL was away and while the first week was hairy, in the second, things started to fall into place.  She was settling, she was loving her sister more.  So MIL gets back and Charlie is pretty much being a horror.  She constantly takes things from Asha, she also hits Asha, pushes Asha.  She has been here during the day most days but clearly wants to be back at MILs.  She is really acting spoilt and bratty and This to and fro thing we are doing just doesn't seem to be working.  I mean why would a 3yr old with a strong bond with MIL and effectively been an only child for 7 months now, choose to come back and stay in a house where she has to compete with another effectively only child and where the attention isn't fully on her.  Particularly at night she has quiet and attention at MILs but here atleast while we get things worked out, there will be a tired 17 month old to take away your mum so she doesn't get to read as much to you.  

She has been given a lot of choice as part of our plan for her to feel trust in us and her environment, but now i feel that she has too much choice.  It can be confusing when given a couple of options particularly whether to go to mums or to PILs.

Charlies possible thoughts:
Gee on the one side mums is fun and our bond is growing but its chaotic and i don't feel comfortable there yet.  But Grandmamas is comfortable, predictable and I get all the attention I need.  

I feel that that choice could be doing her damage too(the battle in her mind).  

So honest opinions please.  What affect do you think it would have on Charlie if we put our foot down and said days and nights 5 days a week at mum and dads.  Would we go backwards , would we lose her trust, or do you think, she'd be mad at first but settle down soon after.  We really don't want to go backwards but i'm worried that she is starting to really consider the MILs to be normal and to be home.  They want her back with us, i know that but sometimes i think they aren't ready to let go of their bond to be just grandparents.

[skeettafic]

Okay, Megs - here's my thoughts.

I know that you and Tristan have struggled with this decision a lot and you have really attempted to follow Charlie's lead on this but ....

I think you now have evidence that the best thing for your family is not for Charlie to be at her grandparent's.  Yes, Charlie is getting more attention at her grandparents and what toddler wouldn't want to have all the attention as opposed to sharing it but she also does have to learn to interact with others on terms that are not her own. 

IMO, I think cold turkey is probably the only way this is going to happen.  And honestly, I would make it 7 days a week, not 5, at least for the first few months and unless both she and Asha are going together.  I think going on the weekends or whatever is going to make the transition harder.  Think of it - you have those first 5 days under your belt and then she leaves for 2....that 2nd week of time at home is going to be much harder on Charlie that in just transitioning home all at once. 

I would probably get her a calendar and set up a little countdown for about a week before she was going to come home- talk it up and make it a celebration, because that's what it is!.  And then make a big production of her coming back - moving all her stuff back, balloons, cake, etc.  Have her grandparents involved in the fanfare.  And then batten down the hatches!!! LOL  Seriously, though.  It is going to be a rough transtion but I don't think its going to get easier as time goes on.

Big  . 

[moogie]

Thank you Jessica.  We are really thinking of doing an all or nothing approach.  Its too hard on everyone involved.  If i was to be completely selfless as difficult and excruciating it may be, the best thing to do may be to have Charlie to stay with her grandparents until such a time that she wants to come back.  We'd risk her being there for her whole childhood.  but maybe that is what is best.  Otherwise we think we want her here cold turkey as you described 7 days a week.  either way its a tough call.  her being 3yrs old and starting kindergarten also affect the issues.  Maybe things will come good if we just give it time once she starts Kindergarten in January she may come back on her own.  She may see other kids getting picked up by their mum and dad and the photos at kindi are of immediate family.  the big issue which is hard to change is MIL is her primary care giver and they have an extremely strong bond like mother daughter.   Its like taking her away from her mother. cruel really.  like i said its tough.  Lots of tears this afternoon by me.

[jnezmama02]

I agree w/ Jessica on this. I think things will only get worse the older she gets, not better. The longer she stays, the more likely she will want to continue to stay there.  I would follow the celebration idea. I would tell your PIL to back off and give you some time...for like a month.  Also, I would make your kids a package deal after that. If your PIL want to take Charlie somewhere....then they have to take Asha too.  I think this arrangement of splitting the kids is not good for anyone, even Asha.  To be honest, if you don't change things,  I think Asha will have some serious jealousy issues when she's older b/c her sister is the one that will get all the attention from grandparents while she doesn't get any. She'll see the favoritism and feel sad about it. I think it is important that all children get some individual attention, but it's equally important that children learn to get along w/ siblings and understand the entire family/world doesn't revolve around them. Like Jessica said, it is important that children learn to interact well w/ others, even when it's not on their own terms.  One of your jobs as a parent is to try to foster a good relationship between the siblings...right now, you have no chance of doing that. What you need is full immersion w/ rules and consequences. The answer to charlie hitting asha isn't to take charlie out of the home environment b/c she's upset, but rather to talk to her about why she's upset before she takes it out on asha and at the same time set up rules for consequences if she does hit asha. It is never acceptable to take out your anger/frustration/sadness on someone else...especially in a physical way. This is a lesson she has got to learn at some point in her life.  You will be helping her by teaching her this lesson now at home, rather than her having to learn this lesson in school.

Also, I disagree that the completely selfless thing to do is to leave her w/ your PIL. I think the harder and more challenging thing to do is to bring her home and have to deal w/ the tantrums and frustrations both she and you (and Asha and T) will have.  I think, ultimately, though it would be better for both Charlie and Asha for Charlie to be home w/ her parents and sister.

Ok, sorry this was so frank, but I did want to give you my honest opinion on this. 

[ShannonandDel]

I am typing one handed so I will keep this kind of short, but I am going to have to agree with everyone else. A lot of what Charlie does when she is at your house seems pretty normal for her age and situation. Being three seems to be challenging for a lot of our kiddos and it seems like there is definately some sibling rivalry, but that would be about right too. Delaney has been having a difficult time adjusting to not being the only child, but it seems to be getting better. I think if you can get Charlie home and into a routine with rules and consequences she will do much better than the uncertainty of going between two households.

[kokonutmama]

 

Oh mama.  I really don't know what to say, exactly.  What you said about taking her home with you is like taking her away from her mother is really telling.  Maybe if you spend time lurking on "blended family" forums you'd get some insight how people handle custody issues, and maybe give you some ideas as to what resources you have to take advantage of since this isn't actually a custody issue, everyone is genuinely looking out for the best interest of Charlie and the rest of the family, and your PIL are still right accross the street.  She's moving from one loving, wholesome family to another and everyone involved is on good speaking terms with each other.  I'm not saying it's an easy decision or that it will be easy to accomplish whatever decision is made finally, just that other families have gone through this and you might find some ideas and new perspectives on your situation and priorities. (NOT that I don't think your priorities are right, please don't think that, I only mean that it might help to see this as something that's happening to someone else, to help you see how you fit into it)  Anyway, there's a blended family forum on mothering.com.

if you do decide to bring her home now, don't let anyone expect anything of you except to parent your children for at least 10 days.  Not that they would, I'm just saying.

You're such a strong mama, Megs, this is the hardest thing I've ever heard of as far as parenting challenges. I know you'll do the best thing in the end, because you're the mama and you're strong and caring. 

[moogie]

Its so confusing.  thanks for all your support guys, I think i'm going to contact some child psychologists about our situation.  It really does seem like a unique situation.   

[mum2maddox]

hey megs

Being that i haven't been around much i really dont know much about the situation you are in but it seems like you guys are really doing it tough - i commend you for being able to withstand the urge to just pull her back home rather than try to make it more on her terms in the hopes she will happily return to you at a time she is ready.

i do agree with those above that if you are going to do it then cold turkey should be the way- and that she should be with you guys full time for the first bit at least until she gets used to being back home. Also i agree re: Asha and Charlie being a package and when visiting the grandparents they should go together... when and if you do it ths way i think making it a huge exciting all about charlie celebration (that includes the grandparents) would really make her feel special and comfortable.

that said i think you are doing the right thing in taking it slow and looking into speaking with some professionals first...

HUgs Mummy, your great parents and im sure this will all be minimally stressful on charlie as you are so caring and thoughtful as to how to go about the process.

[HanoiHelle]

Megs, this is a tough situation, and I feel for you and your whole family. I basically agree with Jessica and everybody else. Charlie is blessed that she has her extended family so involved and so close - emotionally and physically. But, if the ultimate goal is for Charlie to live with you, T and A, then it will only get harder the longer you wait. I think the key is for all the adults to come to a full, whole-hearted agreement and then to carry it out without any doubt. She is still young enough to accept - over time - the decisions that you make for her, if she knows that you and the rest of the family all are in agreement and that you will not change what you are doing. You will have to talk to her about it in advance, but not for too long (I'd say only 3-5 days in advance), and I really like the party idea.

One thought that occurs to me is whether C feels kind of rejected by you, T and A . . . . maybe she feels - in ways that she cannot articulate - that her mom and dad does not want her in their house since she is living with her grandparents, that they prefer her sister, and then makes the best of it by making sure that everybody knows that is her "preference." Sorry if this sounds harsh, but kids are very perceptive and will make their reality the normal thing, even if it's not really what they want. Kind of an emotional survival mechanism. Just a thought.

Your idea of discussing your situation with a child psycologist is good.

Hang in there. Just keep telling C that you love her and that you always will.   

[moogie]

Thanks again guys.  Its been an interesting week.  I did get an appointment with a child psychologist this week but cancelled as i really didn't know how to talk about it all( also it is very expensive).  when/if i do it, i want to have my questions organised as well as my wishes figured out first.  Tristan and i have become stronger about our belief that cold turkey may be the way.  we are also not happy with some things we are seeing with the PILs interactions with Charlie.  Most of it is not obvious, and the little things on their own are not all that bothersome but they add up.  There are also a couple of big things i've noticed that just piss me off.  nothing I'll mention here, but tear worthy.  Feel like we've been taking MILs word as gospel and i am noticing a lot of cracks appearing. 

Helle, you may be right about C's feelings. She has been terribly frustrated lately and i got her to breakdown on Wednesday which really seemed to help.  she really cant articulate her feelings and she may very well feel rejected.  You may be right about C and her perception of things.  PIL i think certainly aren't helping either.   

Really thank you for all your help and keeping it honest.  It is a complicated situation and hard for others to generally understand.

[kokonutmama]

You have so much to think about.  Wow.   

[HanoiHelle]

Dear Megs. Hang in there. You and T are good parents, and very considerate of C's place in all of this. You will all be fine