What is Attachment Parenting?
The phrase is coined by Dr William Sears but existed long before it had a name. Many call it instinctive, responsive parenting, indicating that this “philosophy” is a natural way to parent. It is natural for a parent of either gender to want to form a bond with their child and vice versa. This bond encourages a loving and trusting relationship to form and leads to a well adjusted independent child.
Many of the practices of Attachment Parenting are tools to develop a bond between parent and child. These practices include babywearing, cosleeping, breastfeeding, emotional responsiveness, refraining from long separations and a balanced lifestyle.
What are these things and how do they help the bond?
Your baby was close to you in your uterus for 9 (or so) months before he or she was born, so it is only natural to continue this after the birth. It is a common practice today to place a newborn in a cot in a separate room. This however does not support the bond that we are trying to support. Cosleeping can be beneficial to both parent and child in forming a bond and also as an optimal sleeping arrangement (Breastfeeding is much easier if you cosleep). Cosleeping however does not work for every family and it is important to remember that the above “list” is just a guide. Babywearing also helps the parent child bond in the same way that cosleeping does. It is also a helpful tool in caring for baby whilst getting work done.
A balanced family life.
This quote is taken from http://www.askdrsears.com/html/10/T130300.asp .
“In your zeal to give so much to your baby, it's easy to neglect the needs of yourself and your marriage. As you will learn the key to putting balance in your parenting is being appropriately responsive to your baby – knowing when to say "yes" and when to say "no," and having the wisdom to say "yes" to yourself when you need help.”
I have seen via many parenting forums that often Attachment Parenting can be blamed by one of the parents for having a detrimental affect on their marriage. Often the mothers are caring for their child and not maintaining a balance especially in their marriage. Attachment parenting is not to blame. Part of Attachment parenting is to maintain balance. Take the whole families feelings and needs into account, not just mother and child. For all members in the family it is important to remember that a baby changes the whole families dynamic. People get frustrated. But this is another matter completely.
Your babies cries
Something that is fundamental in Attachment parenting is that a baby shouldn’t be left to cry. Your baby cries for a reason even if sometimes we as parents cant figure out why. When your child cries and you respond promptly your child learns that they can trust you to come when they need you. A baby does not cry to manipulate you (a common belief amongst many parents).
A Harvard study by Michael L. Commons and Patrice M. Miller, researchers at the Medical School's Department of Psychiatry indicates that “The early stress [of cry it out] resulting from separation causes changes in infant brains that makes future adults more susceptible to stress in their lives”
The pair go on to say: “that American childrearing practices are influenced by fears that children will grow up dependent. But they say that parents are on the wrong track: physical contact and reassurance will make children more secure and better able to form adult relationships when they finally head out on their own. We've stressed independence so much that it's having some very negative side effects.
Will I end up with a spoilt bratty child?
This is a concern of many parents but if the basics of Attachment parenting are undertaken, then there is no reason why your child will act up any more than another child.
From Askdrsears.com: attachment parenting is responding appropriately to your baby's needs, which means knowing when to say "yes" and when to say "no." Sometimes in their zeal to give children everything they need, it's easy for parents to give their children everything they want. Attachment parents do not let their children do inappropriate things they simply encourage exploration and independence, in the most appropriate environments.
What about discipline?
Attachment parents typically take the positive dicipline approach. Some examples follow:
- Natural Consequences instead of physical or mental punishment
- Not putting your own judgement on a childs behavior(this might be aware parenting) eg. stating what a child did and explaining how that might make someone feel a certain way is probably better than saying good girl or bad girl with no explanation.
- Consistency in actions
- Calm yet firm response
- respecting that our children are learning and that their actions are not performed with malicious intent.
From Wikipedia:
“Attachment parents seek to understand the biological and psychological needs of the children, and to avoid unrealistic expectations of child behavior. In setting boundaries and limits that are appropriate to the age of the child, attachment parenting takes into account the physical and psychological stage of development that the child is currently experiencing. In this way, parents may seek to avoid the frustration that occurs when they expect things their child is not capable of.”
Aware parenting is also a philosophy that many parents choose to employ.
http://www.awareparenting.com/english.htm#aspects
Aware Parenting Consists of:
Attachment-style parenting
- Natural childbirth and early bonding
- Plenty of physical contact
- Prolonged breast-feeding
- Prompt responsiveness to crying
- Sensitive attunement
Non-punitive discipline
No punishments of any kind (including spanking, "time-out", and artificial "consequences")
- No rewards or bribes
- Search for underlying needs and feelings
- Anger management for parents
- Peaceful conflict-resolution (family meetings, mediation, etc.)
Prevention and healing of stress and trauma
Recognition of stress and trauma as primary causes of behavioral and emotional problems
- Emphasis on prevention of stress and trauma
- Recognition of the healing effects of play, laughter, and crying in the context of a loving parent/child relationship
- Respectful, empathic listening and acceptance of children's emotions